15 minutes ago, I came out from my room and sat in the darkness in my living room. I didn't know what to do so I turned on the computer. I checked my blog and I was thinking maybe I need something's funny to make me laugh and I start reading Raditya Dika's blog/website. Oh yes, I found something funny inside his writing and it slowly start makes me giggle. Again, here I am, typing all the words inside my head and what I feel right now. Apparently I am still aching.
The DVD player on my laptop was still on, playing a very miserable scene from a movie One Day, where the main girl character is laying on the street, just got hit by a truck on her way to meet her soon-to-be husband who at the same second just listened to a voicemail by her, waiting for her at a café somewhere in Paris. And I didn't think it's an emotional and unstable story, a story that rather feels like it's adapted from a true story (which I don't know if it is), full of these moments where the characters stared into other character's eyes, trying to say something, trying to rant or go berserk but ended up saying nothing, only swallowing words, holding to shed tears, loosen up shoulders and being nice and quiet instead, with smiles, made up ones. These moments I'm greatly familiar with. And I have to say, wearing this mood, at this time of the day, watching this sort of movie, not really a good combo for my emotional support. Yet on the other hand, it pushes me to feel almost beyond my limits. Unintentionally making feelings like these gather and burst is what I do to react, re feel, reconnect with my ability to do and feel and create. It hurts, but it works.
One Day rushes the thoughtful pauses back into my tired head. That we don't know how much time we've got left in the world. That we really don't choose who we fall in love with, be in love with and stay in love with. That we're always capable of creating anything if we really want to. That we can feel anything if we're strong enough to. I've been thinking about death lately. Suddenly all I want to do is to not waste anymore second of my life making the most of my time while it lasts, to say what I've been wanting to say or do what I've been wanting to do. Uncanny signs that freak the shit out of your sorry ass. I have had thoughts of death many times. I'm sure at some point you all have had that 'if I die tonight' thoughts too yourself, maybe. It's scary, it frightens you, but it's real and you know it's unescapable. You don't know what's coming for you any minute now. But by the time you think that it all makes life have a point, that's when you live, and feel that either life or death, both are beautiful concepts of the universe we live in.
That's when the tip of your toe feels the line you shouldn't cross, how far you should feel or how much you can let in. And sure at some point you will lose control over things, fall in love too deeply you drown, or waste around too long you grow old passing so many chances. But you do not control everything and it appears clearer to me now that I can't paint, that I can't stop aching, that I can't sleep tonight, because I doubted life, unfriended time that feelings hurt and love wasn't dependable.
This is my fifth attempt, wrapping my chilled skin under the blanket, closing this blog post and my eyes following it, promising the breaking dawn that I will try to wake up with clearer head when the sun is high later in the afternoon to start.
"Whatever happens tomorrow, we have today" and I think that's all that should matter.
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