rewind

             2010 was a wild year. Oh hell yeah, yes indeed at least for me. 2010 gave me so much lesson to learn, gave me courage to figure the real life is, gave me an opportunity to know there are a lot of bright and awesome people out my imaginary life that I had before. I was up high and I fell and I crawled, tried to stand up again. Fall seven times, stand up eight. Thought I could change from a lame girl to be the real me that actually have some material to be someone whose stand up as the real she is. I failed in it.  I did the craziest thing in my life, I met a man that changed my life, I had a great memories outside my box and at the end of 2010 I realized how I don’t want it to end. Again, this is life. Like a road, keep rolling as it is should be. No regret, lots of fun but half of it was useless.

            I opened 2011 with thousands hope and prayer. I talked to God at my first 2011’s day in the morning, “please God, let me change. Let me evolving. Let me adapting. Let me learn from my old mistakes. So I can be real and life with no regret if I die and no one hurt after I’m gone.” Ironically, I made a mistake after that. Right after I finished my prayer. First regret, check!. You guys don’t know how I feel like a super dumbo. I tried to fix any of my mistakes that I’ve done. But what is repair if you don’t want to admit your faults?. Excuses became denials. Maybe I just don’t want to be blame, that’s why I rarely (or may I say never?) admitted my mistakes. In fact if now there’s someone say this to me, I probably would say no. Why?, because I have something (you guys called it excuse or reason) to explain. How come or why I did it.

            This is, my biggest homework that no one could help me to do it but me. This is the biggest decision that I took. Learn how to have a big heart and dignity to admit who I am and my mistake that I did or do. I choose, I decide and I’m the one who will take the risks. If I failed once more, maybe like someone ever said, “you don’t deserve to live.”