I was almost resist to believe that 2014 is almost over. I just thought that I haven't done anything useful or good up until now. Oh well, I just disgrace myself. I have had, maybe do something good, at least for myself. It's not like I was hoping that I found the cure for cancer or ebola or anything grand.
Plenty of things happened to me and affected my life, even more myself. I'm thankful that most of them have given me lessons to be learned. I teach myself to take a note of everything that happened at the end of the day, every day. Just because it would be important not to forget what the best that you can get from life lessons.
I was never a rational person. Never. Ever. I rarely used my logic to face problems. As the time goes by, like any single person who wouldn't know what will happen to you/or me...I've changed. I was giving myself a training to use my brain, think deep before act, inhale-exhale and just be calm to face whatever in front of me. It made me a protective person when it comes to my heart. So I built a thick and strong shield by default. I didn't want to get carried away with my feeling, 'cause I knew myself better than anyone else in this world. My fully sympathetic, affectionate yet shallow character would ruin what I aimed to do. But then love happened and things changed. It changed a lot. Do I want to get back to level 1 being a rational person?. Well, I would kill to stay as one.
My wounded/cold heart felt something warm once again. I was laughing, feeling happier than I've ever been these past 4 years. I love the concept being in love, not falling in love. I was still holding back a little but then someone asked me to loosen up. "It was never a mistake to be happy and to be loved." I forgot how great it was to have someone who love me wholeheartedly. 4 years of waiting, hoping, loving and wanting for the guy to feel the same way lead me to a bittersweet result. However, mio caro teach me that feelings are often real, so let it be. It's just the words we use to express them are artificial, most of the time. So, both of us rarely say "I love you", "I miss you" in a manner that extremely vulgar and unfortunately abusing the meaning.
The relationship is over, at last. Whatever it was, it's ended. The guy and I, we were moving forward with each other's life. I was wondering why I didn't give up years ago, we were better without each other. I just woke up from a dream that we didn't work out since day 1. So what was the point of me staying all these years?. I wasted my time for something. Then again, in between of happiness and extreme sadness a voice within remind me that when God takes away what you think you have, usually you are going to get something better. And I am now. I would like to keep it, protect it, cherish it. I have failed protecting what I had with the guy but knowing now he wander to better hands that keep him safe is so very relieving for me.
I'm in love. In love being a happy person. Because I allow myself to be as happy as I can. With or without someone else, I absolutely need someone else sometimes. Happiness is real when it shared, right? .
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