It's 11.41 pm on a Sunday night. I should have be asleep because tomorrow is Monday and I have to go to work and do my routines and catch up with many great things that will happen. I was in the middle of arranging a "Super Monday" playlist when my ears caught a song from Damien Rice's new album. Damien Rice, I like him and his melancholic poetry that translates as songs. 8 years of hiatus and he came back in the same charm. I listened to the song carefully and got "greatest bastard" word in it.
Am I the greatest bastard that you know?
The only one who let you go?
The one you hurt so much you cannot bear?
You know when you recall someone that remind you of one thing/one song/one movie/one act but you also know that it was when your heart ruled your head?. EXACTLY, I was in the middle of THAT situation. In one second I would like to see how's he doing and in another second, I would very much remind myself that "cmon Aya, everybody is moving on and forward with their life. Why you bother to look back on some sort of endless pain?." At least my brain was working really well. I totally can hold the urge to look up at him.
He was my personal greatest bastard. In every girl's life there must be one bastard as a lesson learned. BUT, if I'm sorry that you've always been with gazillion of bastards continuously then it must be something's wrong with you, or your head. I know the feeling of confusion when I can't go forward just because I don't know which way I was facing. Even worse, you can not rely on anyone but yourself. I was thinking why the heck I'm hanging myself on the reverie?. That he will come, again, this time in a shining armor and picking me up, saving me. I ain't a princess in Disney's fairy tale. I was paralyzed, I was not able to see the good in anything and anyone for quite some time.
Family, friends and love found me just in time. It lifted me up to see the joy of the world. Brought me back as a person I should be. I am me again because my head told me that the insecure/pathetic girl is not me. The letting go process may not be as easy as a movie or a song told you, but it taught me to be a little bit stronger. Because life is much more that just loved, beloved and brokenhearted. It may be rain in your heart, but please keep the rainbow and unicorns in your head.
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