i write what i feel: words

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(Let's Be) Happy Birthday

Umh well...I am typing this piece without any intention that I have to write/or type it in every single year. In fact I have missed an/or skipped a year or two...but fuck, here we go.

Today is my birthday. Yup, birthday. The only occasion that I rarely celebrate. It is just as maybe I have said before that I can't find the hype, the euphoria and the joy in it. Birthday meaning you're getting a year older. Just a year, 365 days older than you were yesterday with TONS OF HOMEWORK. Questioning what's the homework?. Let me start with self improvement. A girl can hope, dream even and sometimes her dreams come true. I can hope and dream that I can be better the day after my birthday for days or years ahead. But what is hope and dream without knowing where are you heading?. Hope and dream were there because there's a goal. A purpose. A destination. Shall I begin?

1st , I want to be healthy by working out, eating clean while living my life to the fullest.

I should have though. I didn't sell my soul to the devil so I can be immortal with a body like Scarlet Johansson, fitness as Jillian Michaels or born as A Lady Of Healthy Eating like Michelle Obama. I need to give efforts to be them in a package. I know that I have been a wishy washy person when it come to this. I was a yoga aficionado in 2013 and back to laid back-hell-I-won't-move my body to a work out session since the result from yoga was still there in 2014. Then, I realized that my fondness towards foods and booze made my inside and out slowly shattered. I better start before I'm completely broken-not-fully-functioned. With work out and eat clean, meaning I can eat and drink and have fun more, yes?.

2nd, (if I could) I will reduce my alcohol and caffeine consumption AANNNDDD...cigarette addiction.

Thought I'm kidding?. Me too!. It's been yeaaaaarrrrsssss I have been though not really that hard trying to quit smoking and drinking alcohol and caffeine. By quit, I didn't mean completely quitting like not at all. I can diminish it but I can't quit. It's good to have those things once in a while, aite?. I found my interest in tea for the last few months actually since my colleague is a tea enthusiast. If someone asked me what's the most 3 drinks I always have in a day, I will answer: Tea, Alcohol and water. See?, a progress ;)

3rd, I need to strive on the best career for me.

I was a hotel management graduate who never thought that I won't have a career in a hospitality business. Two years ago I was this ignorant little bitch who hated working in a hotel because it's exhausting. Turned out, every job that you do/get will make you exhausted. It is not the job. It is you (I mean, me...). I, these days still of course have the passion on working in a hotel. After jumping here and there, switching the job as this and that, I should have known what I want to do and to have as my career. I know I know, I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer but to be a world citizen (one thing that I strongly believe I will be someday) needs more than a courage to drop off everything that I have and pick up my backpack. I have to work in a job that I enjoy to do for a future that I aim for.

4th, finding God.

Do not ask me how but I know I will along the way. Liz Gilbert wrote "God dwells within you as you" in Eat, Pray, Love. Is it confusing you?. It's confusing me for 5 years as I can remember and that's horrible. I need God so I can put down my fears, my concerns, my prayers. I forgot when was the last time I actually prayed for something and it was actually came from my deepest heart. I don't want God in me, as me, who's a mentally broken and damaged person to be the one I can look up to. I need God as my grip 'cause I know God is the least that will leave me behind.

5th the last but not least, love harder.

to love my life, myself, my family, my friends, to love someone who deserve the love, to love people who loves me. Love is a myth for me. What I have given and showed all these years was caring with a touch of affection. I care about the people in my life, but care doesn't mean that you will be there to catch them when they fall or sacrifice something in order to make them happy or save them from something that harmed. It is love and I want to love. To have, to feel and to give. It is love that won't let me replace my beloved people. To love is to share.

head versus heart

It's 11.41 pm on a Sunday night. I should have be asleep because tomorrow is Monday and I have to go to work and do my routines and catch up with many great things that will happen. I was in the middle of arranging a "Super Monday" playlist when my ears caught a song from Damien Rice's new album. Damien Rice, I like him and his melancholic poetry that translates as songs. 8 years of hiatus and he came back in the same charm. I listened to the song carefully and got "greatest bastard" word in it.

Am I the greatest bastard that you know?
The only one who let you go?
The one you hurt so much you cannot bear?

You know when you recall someone that remind you of one thing/one song/one movie/one act but you also know that it was when your heart ruled your head?. EXACTLY, I was in the middle of THAT situation. In one second I would like to see how's he doing and in another second, I would very much remind myself that "cmon Aya, everybody is moving on and forward with their life. Why you bother to look back on some sort of endless pain?." At least my brain was working really well. I totally can hold the urge to look up at him.

He was my personal greatest bastard. In every girl's life there must be one bastard as a lesson learned. BUT, if I'm sorry that you've always been with gazillion of bastards continuously then it must be something's wrong with you, or your head. I know the feeling of confusion when I can't go forward just because I don't know which way I was facing. Even worse, you can not rely on anyone but yourself. I was thinking why the heck I'm hanging myself on the reverie?. That he will come, again, this time in a shining armor and picking me up, saving me. I ain't a princess in Disney's fairy tale. I was paralyzed, I was not able to see the good in anything and anyone for quite some time.

Family, friends and love found me just in time. It lifted me up to see the joy of the world. Brought me back as a person I should be. I am me again because my head told me that the insecure/pathetic girl is not me. The letting go process may not be as easy as a movie or a song told you, but it taught me to be a little bit stronger. Because life is much more that just loved, beloved and brokenhearted. It may be rain in your heart, but please keep the rainbow and unicorns in your head.

♪ ♫ ♪ Damien Rice - The Greatest Bastard ♪ ♫ ♪

The Bibliography of Strings

And you taught me what this feels like.

And then how it feels to lose it.

And you showed me who I wanted.

And then who I wasn't.

And you ticked every box.

And you drew a line.

And you weren't mine to begin with.

And then not to end with.

And you look like everything I wanted.

And then became something I hated.

And you get thought of every day.

And then not in a good way.

And you let me leave.

And then wish I'd stayed.

And you almost killed me.

But I didn't die.

pleasefindthis

truth is...

the truth is...

i never stopped loving you,

i just stopped caring

Quote Of The Day

Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not  very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When  someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores  are never settled. Old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for,  is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget. 

Quote Of The Day

It's easier to complicate than to simplify.

Simple ideas enter the brain quicker and stay there longer.

Brutal simplicity of thought is therefore a painful necessity.

- Maurice Saatchi, Brutal Simplicity of Thought -

sway

I don’t wanna hurt you / I don’t wanna make you sway / Like I know I’ve done before / I will not do it anymore / I’ve always been a dreamer / I've had my head among the clouds / Now that I’m coming down / Won’t you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that’s what you wanna be
Are we back now where
it all began?

Have you finally forgiven me?

- The Perishers - Sway -

awake

My heart is aching. I'm looking around and everything is calm and quiet. I'm wondering why on a night like this I just can't close my eyes and ready for dreaming. I've tried to lay my head on the pillow, pulled the blanket up to cover my whole body for the last 2 hours but something annoys me, something trembles down and makes noises inside my head and I find myself with eyes wide open , starts to sit straight up all over again and again. I can't write something good to read tonight, I can't sleep tonight or like the other nights these past few weeks, I can't stop aching tonight. Does "waking up is hard to do and sleeping is impossible too" supposed to be like this?. This is not new, it's a feeling not less disturbing than having your heart broken by someone or something.
15 minutes ago, I came out from my room and sat in the darkness in my living room. I didn't know what to do so I turned on the computer. I checked my blog and I was thinking maybe I need something's funny to make me laugh and I start reading Raditya Dika's blog/website. Oh yes, I found something funny inside his writing and it slowly start makes me giggle. Again, here I am, typing all the words inside my head and what I feel right now. Apparently I am still aching.

The DVD player on my laptop was still on, playing a very miserable scene from a movie One Day, where the main girl character is laying on the street, just got hit by a truck on her way to meet her soon-to-be husband who at the same second just listened to a voicemail by her, waiting for her at a café somewhere in Paris. And I didn't think it's an emotional and unstable story, a story that rather feels like it's adapted from a true story (which I don't know if it is), full of these moments where the characters stared into other character's eyes, trying to say something, trying to rant or go berserk but ended up saying nothing, only swallowing words, holding to shed tears, loosen up shoulders and being nice and quiet instead, with smiles, made up ones. These moments I'm greatly familiar with. And I have to say, wearing this mood, at this time of the day, watching this sort of movie, not really a good combo for my emotional support. Yet on the other hand, it pushes me to feel almost beyond my limits. Unintentionally making feelings like these gather and burst is what I do to react, re feel, reconnect with my ability to do and feel and create. It hurts, but it works.

One Day rushes the thoughtful pauses back into my tired head. That we don't know how much time we've got left in the world. That we really don't choose who we fall in love with, be in love with and stay in love with. That we're always capable of creating anything if we really want to. That we can feel anything if we're strong enough to. I've been thinking about death lately. Suddenly all I want to do is to not waste anymore second of my life making the most of my time while it lasts, to say what I've been wanting to say or do what I've been wanting to do. Uncanny signs that freak the shit out of your sorry ass. I have had thoughts of death many times. I'm sure at some point you all have had that 'if I die tonight' thoughts too yourself, maybe. It's scary, it frightens you, but it's real and you know it's unescapable. You don't know what's coming for you any minute now. But by the time you think that it all makes life have a point, that's when you live, and feel that either life or death, both are beautiful concepts of the universe we live in.

That's when the tip of your toe feels the line you shouldn't cross, how far you should feel or how much you can let in. And sure at some point you will lose control over things, fall in love too deeply you drown, or waste around too long you grow old passing so many chances. But you do not control everything and it appears clearer to me now that I can't paint, that I can't stop aching, that I can't sleep tonight, because I doubted life, unfriended time that feelings hurt and love wasn't dependable.

This is my fifth attempt, wrapping my chilled skin under the blanket, closing this blog post and my eyes following it, promising the breaking dawn that I will try to wake up with clearer head when the sun is high later in the afternoon to start.

"Whatever happens tomorrow, we have today" and I think that's all that should matter.

Quote Of The Day

" the hardest part of ending is starting, again"

flowers in the window

"So now were here and now is fine. So far away from there and there is time, time, time to plant new seeds and watch them grow. So there'll be flowers in the window when we go. Wow, look at you now flowers in the window it's such a lovely day and I'm glad that you feel the same. 'Cos to stand up out in the crowd, you are one in a million and I love you so. Let's watch the flowers grow." - Travis

the last quote

"It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted, it confuses you because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head"

- Henry Rollins-

all i need

"rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness, give me truth"

- Christopher McCandless, Into The Wild - 

Quote Of The Day

"God dwells within you, as you"

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat,Pray,Love -

Quote Of The Day

dear you,

"for those who fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know"

- Wise Man, Sucker Punch -

a drinking song

wine comes in at the mouth  and love comes at in the eye

that's all we shall know for truth, before we grow old and die

i lift the glass to my mouth, i look at you and i sigh

- WB Yeats -

" The sharpest SWORD is WORDS. Let's rotate"

- Unknown -

Quote Of The Day

" the cure for boredom is curiousity. there is no cure for curiousity"

- Dorothy Parker -

Quote Of The Day

"the most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are."

- Jim Morrison-