Just A Little Note

     I was almost resist to believe that 2014 is almost over. I just thought that I haven't done anything useful or good up until now. Oh well, I just disgrace myself. I have had, maybe do something good, at least for myself. It's not like I was hoping that I found the cure for cancer or ebola or anything grand. 

     Plenty of things happened to me and affected my life, even more myself. I'm thankful that most of them have given me lessons to be learned. I teach myself to take a note of everything that happened at the end of the day, every day. Just because it would be important not to forget what the best that you can get from life lessons. 

     I was never a rational person. Never. Ever. I rarely used my logic to face problems. As the time goes by, like any single person who wouldn't know what will happen to you/or me...I've changed. I was giving myself a training to use my brain, think deep before act, inhale-exhale and just be calm to face whatever in front of me. It made me a protective person when it comes to my heart. So I built a thick and strong shield by default. I didn't want to get carried away with my feeling, 'cause I knew myself better than anyone else in this world. My fully sympathetic, affectionate yet shallow character would ruin what I aimed to do. But then love happened and things changed. It changed a lot. Do I want to get back to level 1 being a rational person?. Well, I would kill to stay as one. 

     My wounded/cold heart felt something warm once again. I was laughing, feeling happier than I've ever been these past 4 years. I love the concept being in love, not falling in love. I was still holding back a little but then someone asked me to loosen up. "It was never a mistake to be happy and to be loved." I forgot how great it was to have someone who love me wholeheartedly. 4 years of waiting, hoping, loving and wanting for the guy to feel the same way lead me to a bittersweet result. However, mio caro teach me that feelings are often real, so let it be. It's just the words we use to express them are artificial, most of the time. So, both of us rarely say "I love you", "I miss you" in a manner that extremely vulgar and unfortunately abusing the meaning.

     The relationship is over, at last. Whatever it was, it's ended. The guy and I, we were moving forward with each other's life. I was wondering why I didn't give up years ago, we were better without each other. I just woke up from a dream that we didn't work out since day 1. So what was the point of me staying all these years?. I wasted my time for something. Then again, in between of happiness and extreme sadness a voice within remind me that when God takes away what you think you have, usually you are going to get something better. And I am now. I would like to keep it, protect it, cherish it. I have failed protecting what I had with the guy but knowing now he wander to better hands that keep him safe is so very relieving for me.

    I'm in love. In love being a happy person. Because I allow myself to be as happy as I can. With or without someone else, I absolutely need someone else sometimes. Happiness is real when it shared, right? . 

The Bibliography of Strings

And you taught me what this feels like.

And then how it feels to lose it.

And you showed me who I wanted.

And then who I wasn't.

And you ticked every box.

And you drew a line.

And you weren't mine to begin with.

And then not to end with.

And you look like everything I wanted.

And then became something I hated.

And you get thought of every day.

And then not in a good way.

And you let me leave.

And then wish I'd stayed.

And you almost killed me.

But I didn't die.

pleasefindthis

Hello. 

My name is Aya. Just in case you guys forgot me.

Okay... it is stupid. I'd scratch that if I could.

So I'm back, with a bunch of news, updates and happiness.

I FINALLY FINISHED MY STUDY!!. I completed the thesis and obtained the degree. I felt that the whole world on my shoulder lifted up. Of course, I am beyond happy with rainbows and unicorns up in the sky. Again, la roue de la vie works magically in my life. Something so grand out there doesn't want me to be happy for such a long time. It dropped my plane to the ground, when...well, I got a job. Before my graduation day. Which means that I've got to work as soon as possible. So long, holiday and my planned-impulsive-trip. BUT I must be grateful every now and then that I got the job that requires me to do things that I love. Magazine, reading, writing, editing, exploring, socializing etc. All the fun, work and play will be harder than ever, at the same time, in  B A L I !!!. It excites me yet worries me. Wish me well!.

I FINALLY WORE KEBAYA ON MY GRADUATION DAY!. At first, I against the idea to attend my own graduation day. Seriously, it seems boring. But since my mum insisted me to do it, for once and all, I did it. I was bored (totally, duh!), touched, sad and relieved at the same time, as I was sitting for 3,5 hours inside the auditorium that I knew would be my last visit to the campus.  The day before my graduation day, I went to my campus and attended the rehearsal. Just before it started, I met some of my lecturers. The ones that I considered the good one, the closest one, the kind one, the most I look up to. I sat with Pak Glen and Pak Agus at Bu Sus and at the first second Glen saw me, he asked me how I'm doin' and popped the "do you still blogging?" question. He just didn't know how I miss it. Instead telling him that, I said I quit. I'm turning my interest into something else. I am still a liar after all. I didn't quit and something else that I mentioned was my thesis. I kinda hope you'll read this, Pak. 

I THANK MY PARENTS AND THE GUY FOR WHAT I'VE ACHIEVED. Dear Mimo and Pipo, without your sweats, tears, bloods, supports, prayers and every cells of your body that you guys are willing to give so I can finish what I start, I won't be here. I may ended up to be an ungrateful daughter from hell. But as much as I was struggling to finish my study, it was nothing compared to what you guys did for me. Dearest the guy, you will forever be my always. I owed you my life. I owed you endless gratitude for every seconds of your time to walk me through every ups and downs for the last 4 years, though most of the time you've only been there, on my screen. I did it, as I promised you.

I AM BUSY BEING A GRATEFUL PERSON. Seriously, I am. It's like I have no time to whining like I used to do. The Universe got my back, at least for now. I've decided to handle all the problems and troubles straight on and not running away from it. I've got everything that I want. Not a luxurious stuffs, but things that I feel enough for myself. Enough to keep me stay happy no matter what. Going to work with a smile on my face, probably not a whole but everyday. Chillin' at the end of the day after work on the beach. Enjoying how Bali would spoiled me with its beauty. I declare that I am a happy person. 

paradise?. not so much

My friends on mainland think just because I live in Bali, I live in paradise. Like having a permanent vacation. We're all just out here sipping cocktails every night, shaking our hips, feeding our tummy in a decent restaurants and catching waves.

Are they insane?.

They think we're immune to life?. How can they possibly think our life are less screwed up, our cancers are less fatal or deadly and most of all, our heartaches are less painful ?.

We're still breathing here as a human being, just like all of you outside this beautiful island. We are definitely not in heaven, fellas

Q & A

I'm such a horrible blogger. I rarely maintain it because I'm a moody person. For the last two months I don't really know what I feel or what to write. I think that's pretty fair to explain why I vanished for a while. When I got back, people asked questions endlessly. Believe it or not, I know this will happen and I already prepared myself with answers, well..just in case. 

So here's the questions my friends asked me these past few weeks.

Q : How are you?

A : I'm fine. Just fine. I won't say "never better like this before". 

Q : Where have you been?

A : I was pretty much here. Doing my routines and adding some new things to do in my life. People say life is short rite?. I have to do everything that I can do before it's too late  ;)

Q : What kind of some new things?

A : Hahaha..you will laugh if I tell you this. I'm still writing, for my job as a contributor in a local e-magz named Girlliant Magazine, which is pretty much a challenge for me. It's mostly about fashion but also has several main topics like beauty, health and lifestyle. The big news is I'm starting to work on my thesis. Thesis, for God's sake!. So yea, I'm writing for my thesis. Hahaha. It's only the proposal before the real thesis, but I really gave my best and maxima effort for this thing.

Q : Why did you say taking a job in Girlliant is a challenge for you?

A : Because it's fashion!. I mean, I love fashion and follow its news, sometimes. But being there, in Girlliant means I have to get out of my comfort zone. Yes, I had to go to fashion shows etc but people who worked with me was very helpful and understands me. It's really nice to work with them.

Q : How's your friends?

A : Eeerrr..which one?. Basically, I started friendships with a lot of new and interesting people. However there's a price that I have to pay. I lost contact with my old friends. Ummhh.. some of them are being busy with their life, their love, their future (graduation, getting married, trying to get a job etc) and many different aspects in life. Even though, I really missed them, what happens now it's really fine for me, because it's a good thing that the world moves on. And me, I'm still able to stand on my own feet.

Q : Did you avoid them?

A : No, I didn't. Okay, that was a giant denial. Well, I did, a bit. I want to start arranging my life in a good way such as setting my priorities in life, and somehow that means I have to eliminate a few people in my life. Geez, I start sounds like a bitch. Hahaha

Q : How's your heart?

A : (I rarely answer the question, because I don't know what to say) Would you believe me if I say, "it's fine" ?. I will try to be honest...it's broken and gone. I never kept the pieces of it. I mean, why would I do that?. Heart is like a glass, when it's broken you can't just keep it. There's no good in keeping a broken thing, rite? . And I'm really enjoying the heartless me. It hurts and excruciating at the first time. You know, dealing with memories isn't an easy peasy thing, but the pleasure that you got when you can hold on to yourself.., it's priceless.

Q : Most of your friends has graduated from college, how do you feel?.

A : I'm happy for them!. I really do. I went to their graduation day and said out loud, "next year is my turn!." Hahaha. Yeah, I should have finished my study next year because I'm tired, dude. I must finish it ASAP!. I desperately wants to live independently. Not to forget, "Land Of The Free" have been waiting for me. Yippee ki yay!

Nobody has wings, Aya. You are mortal and so is everyone else. You've signed the contract, the day you were born that you'll be dealing with happiness, sadness, madness, kindness, rudeness and feelings that you initially don't know but you would feel one at a time. You shouldn't have to be so surprised. This is maybe just a phase you have to deal with. The big hole in your chest filled up with darkness and insanity. Even donkey won't fall into the same hole. You'll get sick and tired eventually. Hope keeps us going and hoping for everything to be better is not a crime if you mean it and ready to fight for it. Because when you didn't do it and it turned to be a lie, people will judge you as a miserable and pathetic person. You know what?, let them. This will be another thing you have to deal with and a lesson that makes your heart grow bigger and stronger. 

Nobody has wings, Aya. You are mortal and so is everyone else. You'll meet people that you like and dislike. Never forget to say thank you to every good thing others to you or do for you. Forgive when you can't even forget, there's no too late for apologies as well as accepting apologies. Say sorry and mean it when you make mistakes or hurt someone. Mistakes makes us human. You don't go a day without making mistakes. It takes bravery and maturity to be genuine, admitting and accepting your mistakes. 

Nobody has wings, Aya. You are mortal and so is everyone else. You'll learn that every single thing in life has its expiration date. Some people and things will stay, some will leave. Nothing is permanent. Learn that the best thing will only come for once in your life. When you lose it, learn harder, to let it go. Don't you dare to think that you're abandoned, because you're not. Life taught you, not all will be yours. Time lend you everything. Get a grip and move forward, that's the least that you can do. Never forget love keeps us alive. So be the one who bury themselves in doing the things they love, with love. 

Nobody has wings, Aya. You are mortal and so is everyone else. In life, people talks, listens and feels. Whether you do right or wrong. You talk too.  So held the bad words in your mouth because you are responsible of everything that come out of it. Know what you need and what's your priority in life. It's completely humane to get emotional. But don't let yourself become the slave of your emotions because the emotions are already the slave of your thoughts. Never, explain yourself to anyone. People who hates you doesn't believe it and people who loves you doesn't need it. Stop trying to please everyone you meet. They don't need to like you. Just live, keep breathing, stay alive and watch yourself

who are you?

I love privacy. I love secrets. You will find it my 'i love' post. I don't need thousands of why. People loves it for some reasons and yet people often judged that/when we keep it from them. Have you heard there is such a thing like 'we hide from ourselves' secret and not only 'we keep from others' secret?. 

I wrote this, dedicated for no one else but myself. It doesn't because people keep asking about the meaning behind my tattoos or people often seeing me alone, mostly everywhere. I love being curious at the same plane I hate people being curious about me. I was not very forthcoming about myself. People don't have to know every single thing about me. People don't have to realize who I am.  People don't have to care about me. People don't have to understand me. The truth is I don't understand myself either. 

Yes, there's a meaning behind every tattoos that I got. But I thought it was unnecessary to explain it to others when they're asking anything related to it. God, there are a lot of interesting topics to talk about rather than exposing myself in order to know me. I know we all didn't born as a goddamn psychic, but also we didn't born as a retarded who couldn't understand when we make one's uncomfortable. I learned one thing from this, somehow respect is know when to stop.

semoga panjang umur (?)

          

          Ucapan selamat ulang tahun identik dengan untaian doa dan harapan. It sounds good, it's nice, it's cliché and it's true, terlebih lagi jika diamini. Saya hanya akan membahas satu dari sekian banyak yaitu semoga panjang umur. Iya kan?, ucapan seperti "selamat ulang tahun. semoga panjang umur dan blablabla" sepertinya sudah sepanjang hidup kita dengar dan amini. Istilahnya sih doa untuk kita di umur yang baru. 

           Saya baru ngeh, ternyata ucapan semoga panjang umur ini semacam useless. Instead of semoga panjang umur , kenapa kita sering kali lupa untuk mengucapkan "semoga umur baru ini bermanfaat, sekarang dan ke depannya." Ini bukan mentah-mentah perihal bagaimana seharusnya kita mengucapkan selamat ulang tahun kepada seseorang tapi bagaimana perkataan yang merupakan sebuah doa itu diamini oleh orang lain. Like when you're blowing the candles on your cakes and make a wish atau ketika tiba saatnya potong tumpeng  *ini terdengar sangat Indonesia*

            Kenapa saya pikir "semoga panjang umur" itu tidak berguna?, karena rasanya sia-sia dan tidak ada baiknya juga Tuhan memberikan umur yang panjang tetapi yang ada malah menyusahkan dan menyakiti orang lain. Istilah parahnya sih tidak berbuat apa-apa dalam hidup. Menurut saya, umur yang bermanfaat, terlepas dari panjang atau pendeknya itu lebih baik apabila dijalankan dengan sebaik-baiknya dan memberi banyak masukan positif bagi diri sendiri atau bahkan orang lain di sekitar.

             I am 100% percent sure that I'm not giving any advice exactly what to do or things to be considered for you, guys. I speak freely, write candidly and read endlessly. Cheers!

All Is (not) Well

May 10th 2012

    

           “Kebenaran itu milik siapa?.” Ini pertanyaan pertama saya ketika membaca berita tentang aksi anarkis Majelis Mujahidin Indonesia (saya baru mendengar nama ormas ini untuk pertama kalinya) yang terjadi pada saat diskusi buku Irshad Manji, Allah, Liberty, and Love di Jogjakarta semalam. Mereka seakan candu meneriakkan nama Tuhan dengan menendang makanan, memecahkan kaca dan menyakiti sesamanya. Siapa dan datang darimana kalian?. Tahukah kamu bahwa tidak ada satupun yang menyukai tindakan sok benarmu?. Apa kata Tuhan yang kalian teriakkan namaNya ketika melihat perbuatan kalian?.

          Saya baru saja pulang dari suatu acara bersama seorang sahabat. Hari sudah menjelang pagi, karena belum mengantuk kami menghabiskan waktu dengan mengobrol. Dia duduk dengan segelas wine dan saya meminjam laptopnya untuk membuka beberapa email. Kami saling berceloteh, sampai tiba-tiba saya hanya bisa terdiam, mencerna berita yang saya baca dari timeline twitter saya dan saya pamit ke kamar mandi….untuk menangis. Iya, saya menangis sesenggukan di dalam kamar mandi. Puluhan ketukan pintu saya biarkan begitu saja. Ada rasa perih, benci, penasaran yang tidak bisa saya ucapkan dengan kata-kata. Saya tidak yakin harus menjawab apa bila ditanya kenapa saya bisa menangis sesedih itu. Waktu saya akhirnya keluar kamar mandi, untungnya teman saya tidak bertanya ada apa dengan saya..yeah, saya yakin dia sudah membaca berita itu juga di layar laptopnya. Dia cuman merentangkan tangannya dan membiarkan saya menangis, lagi. Kali ini di pelukan hangat seorang sahabat. Dia, walaupun tidak dalam dan tidak banyak, bisa memahami kebingungan saya. Kebingungan saya terhadap apa yang terjadi dengan dunia ini. Yes, I’m overthink about this or I’m being dramatic of something which obviously not my business. I just felt sick with all the madness. Begini ya rasanya tumbuh dewasa dan akhirnya memahami setiap hal yang terjadi  di dunia ini. Sahabat saya cuma bisa diam, pada akhirnya saya sudah bisa tenang pun, ia hanya menaikkan sebelah alisnya dan bertanya satu kata, “lalu?.” Jawaban saya sederhana walaupun terdengar sangat bodoh. Saya menjawab, “I don’t wanna live in this planet anymore.” And that’s it, yes, I don’t want to live in this crazy and mean planet anymore. Tanpa harus berpikir saya mau tinggal dimana kalau bukan di Bumi. 

            Ini bukan hanya karena masalah diskusi buku Irshad Manji yang untuk kedua kalinya dibubarkan paksa. Saya menangis 1 jam lamanya adalah akumulasi dari beberapa hal yang saya abaikan sebelumnya. Kemarin siang, saya membuka sebuah link video dari retweet-an seorang teman tentang ibu yang menganiaya seorang bayi yang masih merangkak. Saya bukan seorang ibu, saya mungkin tidak tahu rasanya memiliki seorang anak, tapi video itu benar-benar membuat saya mengutuk dan membiarkan mulut saya melemparkan sumpah serapah terhadap perbuatan perempuan tidak berperi kemanusiaan itu. Are you crazy?, that was just a baby. A baby! for God sake. How could you do that to a baby?. Perih tapi saya belum bisa menangisi apa-apa ketika itu. Setelah itu saya membaca berita di sebuah website, kampus sekelas UGM menutup pintu dengan membatalkan  diskusi buku Irshad Manji. Alasannya menjaga keamanan tamu (baca : Irshad Manji). Menjaga keamanannya dari apa?, dari bom waktu berupa organisasi agama yang belum tentu jelas nama dan eksistensinya?. Kita, manusia dengan intelektual, tidak perlu menjadi semakin bodoh untuk dibohongi. Katakan dengan jujur bahwa ada ketakutan yang besar akan aksi anarkis yang bisa saja memakan korban jiwa. Kita, manusia yang merdeka, memiliki hak untuk setuju dan tidak setuju terhadap apapun, asalkan kita tahu apa alasannya. Pertahankan benar atau salahmu di dalam konteks diskusi saja. Lalu bagaimana kita bisa membuka pikiran, tanpa harus mengubah pendirian kita, terhadap pendapat lain ketika semua waktu dan ruang diskusi ditutup begitu saja. Kebebasan berpendapat seharusnya dilindungi Negara, bukan diusir aparat yang ketakutan dan berlindung dibalik kata’tertib’ dan ‘aman’. Kebebasan memilih yang tidak sejalan dengan orang-orang kebanyakan dianggap penyakit yang menular. Di luar dunia saya, tidak ada yang baik-baik saja. Manusia dengan sifat yang keji tidak memanusiakan sesamanya yang memiliki pendapat dan pandangan yang berbeda tentang hidup.  Itu mengerikan dan terjadi di kehidupan ini. Saya berterima kasih kepada FPI yang mendekatkan saya dan masyarakat lain dengan sosok Irshad Manji. Semua orang bertanya-tanya siapa dia, apa isi bukunya dan setelah mereka membaca bukunya, tidak akan ada lagi pemikiran dangkal dan picik ala FPI yang menghakimi isu penyebaran paham gay & lesbian yang dipandang sebagai penyakit dan  dijadikan alasan pembubaran diskusi buku di Jakarta beberapa waktu yang lalu.  Pembenaran atas penafsiran kitab suci belum tentu benar. Namanya saja tafsir dan itu datang dari beberapa kepala yang di doktrin radikalisme. Apa yang mau dipercaya?. Apapun agamamu, di dalamnya pasti tidak mengajarkan kekerasan. Siapapun Tuhanmu, Ia pasti mengajarkan kasih terhadap sesama manusia. Jadi, kebenaran itu milik siapa?. Entahlah, yang saya tahu manusia hanya bisa mencari kebenaran. Begitulah adanya, tanpa pernah bisa mendapatkan kebenaran sepenuhnya. Fight with your voice, scream for your and others freedom and let us see what peace could do.

Quote Of The Day

Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled. Old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.

humming at dawn

yes,I've been humming and singing this song for the whole night

Wish you well, I cannot stay

You deserve an award for the role that you played

awake

            My heart is aching. I'm looking around and everything is calm and quiet. I'm wondering why on a night like this I just can't close my eyes and ready for dreaming. I've tried to lay my head on the pillow,  pulled the blanket up to cover my whole body for the last 2 hours but something annoys me, something trembles down and makes noises inside my head and I find myself with eyes wide open , starts to sit straight up all over again and again. I can't write something good to read tonight, I can't sleep tonight or like the other nights these past few weeks, I can't stop aching tonight. Does "waking up is hard to do and sleeping is impossible too" supposed to be like this?. This is not new, it's a feeling not less disturbing than having your heart broken by someone or something.
           15 minutes ago, I came out from my room and sat in the darkness in my living room. I didn't know what to do so I turned on the computer. I checked my blog and I was thinking maybe I need something's funny to make me laugh and I start reading Raditya Dika's blog/website. Oh yes, I found something funny inside his writing and it slowly start makes me giggle. Again, here I am, typing all the words inside my head and what I feel right now. Apparently I am still aching. 

          The DVD player on my laptop was still on, playing a very miserable scene from a movie One Day, where the main girl character is laying on the street, just got hit by a truck on her way to meet her soon-to-be husband who at the same second just listened to a voicemail by her, waiting for her at a café somewhere in Paris. And I didn't think it's an emotional and unstable story, a story that rather feels like it's adapted from a true story (which I don't know if it is), full of these moments where the characters stared into other character's eyes, trying to say something, trying to rant or go berserk but ended up saying nothing, only swallowing words, holding to shed tears, loosen up shoulders and being nice and quiet instead, with smiles, made up ones. These moments I'm greatly familiar with. And I have to say, wearing this mood, at this time of the day, watching this sort of movie, not really a good combo for my emotional support. Yet on the other hand, it pushes me to feel almost beyond my limits. Unintentionally making feelings like these gather and burst is what I do to react, re feel, reconnect with my ability to do and feel and create. It hurts, but it works.

           One Day rushes the thoughtful pauses back into my tired head. That we don't know how much time we've got left in the world. That we really don't choose who we fall in love with, be in love with and stay in love with. That we're always capable of creating anything if we really want to. That we can feel anything if we're strong enough to. I've been thinking about death lately.  Suddenly all I want to do is to not waste anymore second of my life making the most of my time while it lasts, to say what I've been wanting to say or do what I've been wanting to do. Uncanny signs that freak the shit out of your sorry ass. I have had thoughts of death many times. I'm sure at some point you all have had that 'if I die tonight' thoughts too yourself, maybe. It's scary, it frightens you, but it's real and you know it's unescapable. You don't know what's coming for you any minute now. But by the time you think that it all makes life have a point, that's when you live, and feel that either life or death, both are beautiful concepts of the universe we live in. 

           That's when the tip of your toe feels the line you shouldn't cross, how far you should feel or how much you can let in. And sure at some point you will lose control over things, fall in love too deeply you drown, or waste around too long you grow old passing so many chances. But you do not control everything and it appears clearer to me now that I can't paint, that I can't stop aching, that I can't sleep tonight, because I doubted life, unfriended time that feelings hurt and love wasn't dependable.

            This is my fifth attempt, wrapping my chilled skin under the blanket, closing this blog post and my eyes following it, promising the breaking dawn that I will try to wake up with clearer head when the sun is high later in the afternoon to start.

           "Whatever happens tomorrow, we have today" and I think that's all that should matter.

misplaced

Drifting away for a moment the boy is misplaced
Nodding her head she tries to compose herself when in fact 
the only thing she longs for is his embrace

♪ ♫ ♪ Mew - Misplaced ♪ ♫ ♪ 

Young hurt is longest lasting
Sticks to you ever after
These castles remain
How did he know that she was real too?

with these hands

I love you,Mr.Big 

Lyrics of The Day

Everytime we say goodbye I die a little  

Everytime we say goodbye I wonder why a little  

Why the gods above me who must be in the know  

Think so little of me  

They allow you to go

it goes to you

" I'm walking on needles and pins

My addiction to the worst of him "

live well, laugh often

Humor, jokes, comedy etc. Saya percaya kita semua suka tertawa. Termasuk ditertawakan. Ngga, saya ngga lagi becanda ini. Tapi belajar menerima kalau kita ditertawakan itu adalah sebuah proses kalau kita juga bisa nerima diri sendiri lebih jauh lagi. Darimana munculnya kesimpulan kaya gini?, well..sebenernya ini juga cuman teori pribadi aja. Apakah ini berhasil diaplikasikan ke kehidupan saya yang sebenernya?. Jawabannya juga masih tergantung, lebih ke setengah-setengah. Karena sense of humor jatuhnya juga ke selera masing-masing. Dulu saya sensitif banget when it comes to sarcastic jokes. Mungkin biasa aja buat yang ngomong, tapi itu ngga berlaku buat saya. Lebih sering tersinggungnya daripada ikut ketawa (getir) nanggepinnya. Semakin saya besar, semakin ngga sensitif lagi sama becandaan yang modelnya sarkas. Boro-boro tersinggung, yang ada malah bales-balesan ngatain. Serang terus pantang mundur ceritanya. I know I have to build my own self defense wall. 

Tapi saya tetap punya batasan buat bercanda. Saya ngga akan menyerang hal-hal yang rentan seperti harga diri pribadi, segala sesuatu yang berkaitan dengan keluarga, fisik dan kekurangan lawan bicara. Kurang sopan dan sama sekali ngga lucu jadinya. Saya memang nyablak, kayanya semua orang yang kenal saya juga tahu tentang ini. Tapi belum pernah dicap nyablak ga guna, yang asbun (asal bunyi). Saya lebih dikenal dengan, bahasa kerennya jaman sekarang sih “nyinyir.” Kayanya ada ajaaaa yang bikin saya nyinyir setiap harinya. I often sweat over small stuffs, kata seseorang beberapa waktu yang lalu. Jadi, yang dikomentarin juga ada aja. Tempo hari, sahabat saya ada yang bilang mulut saya setiap harinya semakin mengibiri perasaan  dan nyilet batin orang tanpa pandang bulu. Dan tidak, saya tidak pernah menyalahkan bunda yang mengandung saya. Mungkin sedikit menyalahkan bagaimana bunda membesarkan saya. Ehem..

Technically saya ngga pernah ngerasain jadi orang lain itu. Maksudnya yang katanya perasaannya dikebiri atau batinnya disilet itu. Kalau saya ambil hati terus menerus, pilihannya saya bisa kena hepatitis dan tambah kurus. Lah abiiisss..makan ati kan di-nyinyir-in terus. Intinya, nyinyir-nya orang2 itu bikin saya banyak tertawa juga. Banyak orang yang suka lupa untuk melihat bright side ketika seseorang nyinyir atau simply say, mengkritik mereka. Buat saya, kalau memang untuk sesuatu yang baik dan bukan asal ngomong, jangan disia-siakan. Saya sering menjadikan kritik seseorang terhadap saya menjadi bahan introspeksi sekaligus humor. Dalam hati sih, bukan malah ketawa di depan orang lain yang lagi ‘baik-baik’ mengkritik kita. Yang ada nanti malah dikira ngegampangin. 

Saya memilih ketika saya menjadikan kritik itu sebagai humor, karena pertama punya sense of humor itu penting. Kedua, itu adalah sebuah kemampuan untuk melihat sesuatu yang lucu dari semua yang terjadi dalam suatu kehidupan ~ and I do believe there is humor in everything. Dari film, acara tv, band atau grup musik salah kaprah jaman sekarang, atau sederhananya dari sekitar kita aja. Tersenyum & tertawa itu menyenangkan rasanya. Karena itu semua memicu pelepasan endorphin, sesuatu yang membuat kita merasa lebih baik. Kalo kata Dale Carnegie, “It costs nothing, but creates much. It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give. It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.” Akhir-akhir ini, saya lagi suka menertawakan orang-orang yang benci tanpa sebab sama saya. Kenal aja ngga, kenapa musti nyinyir?. Haters macem kaya gitu cuman bisa ditaklukkan dengan senyum and your erecting middle finger’s. You may call it revenge but I did my best to know my enemy, love them, embrace them and just let the moment passes me by. Kalau saya terlalu fokus ngurusin mereka (atau banyak yg lainnya), yang saya sadari adalah hidup saya akan berlalu sangat cepat untuk dihabiskan dengan hal-hal yang ngga relevan dan sepele. Finally I ditched them because life is too short to eat crap, guys. Carpe Diem !

last time

           Ketika ada sebuah pertemuan, disitu juga akan ada perpisahan. Klise banget ya?. Tapi jaman sekarang mungkin orang-orang udah ga peduli lagi sama hal kecil tapi sakral ini, baik untuk kata hello atau goodbye-nya. Aneh kan rasanya kalau ada orang yang mencoba untuk berkata "hai" atau "hello"?. Call me mannerless, but I'm pretty much aware with manner stuffs. Greeting will be in the first place.

       Ini bukan lagi masalah kedatangan yang ditunggu-tunggu seperti menunggu lahirnya jabang bayi, diharapkan seperti mengharapkan kapan menang judi togel dan dirindukan seperti merindukan kekasih yang berada nan jauh disana. Ini adalah perihal kepergiannya.

          Mengenang adalah cara paling mudah, tapi juga mematikan. Manisnya mengukir senyum, pahitnya meninggalkan luka. Seperti sedang berlari-lari di taman dengan kaki telanjang, lalu harus menghadapi dan melewati jalan penuh pecahan kaca, dengan kaki telanjang juga. Tapi hidup harus terus berjalan, karena dunia tidak berhenti berputar ketika kaki telanjang itu penuh luka atau penuh keriangan. Mungkin hanya satu dua hal yang mampu diingat dan dikenang, makanya dunia ini memiliki istilah kenangan. Tapi semua itu punya arti, yang kadang meninggalkan bekas dan sewaktu-waktu mampu menyeret memori untuk memutar balik apa yang dulu pernah terjadi. Dan bahkan mampu mengingat bagaimana akhirnya semua itu pergi dari kehidupan. Perpisahan tidak lagi penting. Tanpa jabat tangan, tanpa kecupan yang menyegel segalanya, tanpa denting, tanpa aksara. Tak ada marah, tapi meninggalkan pedih. Memories kills you. Dimana tawa? Dimana airmata? Dimana rasa benci? Dan jawabannya tidak dimana-mana, karena memang tidak pernah ada. Yang ada tinggal kebingungan. Apa yang ada, mendadak disudahi begitu saja. Secara paksa.

          Cerita habis, tanpa sisa. Seperti series yang season finale. Seperti cuci gudang di toko. Seperti titik di akhir cerita ini yang tidak bersambung. Selesai. Begitu saja.

questioning consistency

I don't think I should be a wiser person to understand how important consistency is. Some of you guys would ask me, why the hell on earth you should concern about it?. I even asked myself, guys. The thing is I never talk about consistency at all, with no one. Not until my own roller coaster makes the turn. At first I didn't know whether it's good or bad, up or down, happy or sad for me to swallowed the facts. All I know is when someone's starting to criticize you, you can't use only your feeling to understand each of their words. Eyes, ears, heart and mind should be wiiiiddeee open. Or else you will committed suicide, because somehow it feels excruciating. 

As I quoted from Ian McDiarmid, consistency is very important when you're making films.He might be right. I referred films as life, our life. Life is a film and you'll choose what do you want to be. Director, script writer, actress or supernumerary?. Once you choose, just don't take it back. It may sounds easy and I wish it was as easy as it is to say. But one thing that I learned, you can change the world, the world in your perspective if you do have consistency formula inside you. Nothing to regret, because in the end it all be lessons for your life. What you have chosen and how you fulfill your destiny and your aim. Consistency brings you stability, you won't get through ups and downs like all the time in your life. Consistency boosts yourself with confidence. You will feel just fine with decisions that you take by default.

       "Give it a chance, to have some change. Change what you can change, let go of the rest"

this is life

              I thought at first, I must be crazy. I went to the mall twice this week and back home with nothing. looks like shopping isn't my anti stress anymore, well..it never be actually. i rarely going for shopping just like any normal girls do, sometimes even I realized clothes that dwells in my closet has already skanky and boring, I still enjoyed wearing them. Oh yeah, the power of mix and match and adding some hat or necklace always work to handle it.

             When I didn't get any interesting stuffs, it made me think. What's wrong?. I entered almost ten stores, started with premium brand to middle class store, and the result is.. ZERO !. So, I was reviewing what I'm doing. I can't blame all those clothes, because it doesn't fit in me, the fabric isn't comfy, the patterns are too tacky or the colour is too bright. Some people spend their money for that thing and I witnessed it. Then what came to my mind was..to find a really match clothes feels like find a real love. It's kinda hard. 

           At last, I found out the problem is...what I did and what I was looking for is not really important. Yeah, all those clothes and shoes and accesories, I don't really need it. It tells me that I really should be aware of what I think I need and do I have to spend my money for such thing. Examples..you don't have any problem with technology. You bought every brand new gadget for yourself but you don't count your life on it. It was only gadget that makes your life a bit easier.

            Well, what I'm trying to say is just, to make your life much more meaningful you don't have to leave what you already have behind and go to a small village and start to help its society. It's meaningful but you don't have to be that extreme. Start with simple things, like you can distinguish your needs. Is something that you want to buy so important, realistic, have any value or give you benefits?. If you say no for 3 out of 4 points above then you are succeed to make your life more meaningful. 

              There are few things in this life that's important but there are much more that's not.